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Meet John

John is a Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander man attending a midwestern university and majoring in mechanical engineering. Although John has an enduring interest in the visual and performing arts, he also describes himself as a ‘tinkerer’ who has always enjoyed taking things apart. Despite his lifelong good grades in all his classes, he wasn’t interested in science or engineering careers until coming to college. He decided to pursue engineering because of its design aspects and strong career prospects, which led him to major in mechanical engineering. John has also struggled with his mental health and potential symptoms of ADHD, such as low motivation and executive dysfunction, since middle school.

Right now, getting motivation at all is a struggle, it is very difficult for me to start something and finish something. But, I’ve been going to therapy since the semester began, and I skipped over this summer, but yeah. I think as of now it’s been a  year since I’ve been in therapy.

From John’s first interview.

The image below is a journey map that John created summarizing some of the highs and lows from his second year as an engineering student.

John’s second-semester, second-year journey map.

Want to learn more about John’s journey? Check out his tag here (or by clicking the ‘John’ tag below) to see quotes from his interviews over the years.

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John’s Family & Childhood

[20-25] I’m a [South Asian] American … My parents were both born and raised in the [South Asian Country], and came over here. They met over here and they had me, which means that I have an Asian American background. However, unlike the stereotype, I wasn’t raised with the intention of going into a doctor or an engineer field. My parents were quite different than that, they just wanted the best for me.

[27-33] I never thought I’d be an engineering student. I thought I would be something with visual or performing arts. My path before that, I was performing like every year, every semester, and I found enjoyment from that. I’ve been a high honors student since high honor was a thing in my school…. I’ve always been good in classes, and it never really clicked that being good in math and science could be my career… until I made the decision to come here.

[47-51; 53-55; 60-66] When I was younger I was a tinkerer, I liked to take things parts and found out how things worked; it didn’t always turn out well, but I stilled liked it. For that transition [from visual performing arts to engineering], I have always been a well-rounded person, so it didn’t feel like a transition, it just felt natural for me to do something else, because I’d been doing everything before. It’s still a very fun hobby of mine, […] playing instruments, but for the visual side last semester I took a jewelry course. It was the very first place that I learned how to computer model. The very first project was like a broach, where you had to make a 2D sketch of whatever you wanted to carve out on metal. You carved it, but you also had to create a backing to support magnets that would allow you to wear the broach on your shirt, and that part was 3D printed, so not only did I learn how to model, I learned how to draft, and I learned some hands on stuff all in that jewelry class, and it was genuinely the best class I’ve ever taken.

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John on Choosing Engineering

[37-40] Well, once I saw that the engineering career was more than … More than finding something … As soon as I saw engineering as more than just sitting down at a computer and running tests over and over again. The more I saw the design aspect it really resonated with me.

[110-112] Also, apparently [Midwestern university] has a 97[%] hiring rate [for] graduating [engineers], so that attracted me to it, because as a performing visual arts person I was always worried that I’d be that starving artist stereotype.

 [125-128] I knew I didn’t want to do electrical, because I don’t like circuits very much, but I really agreed with industrials making stuff more efficient, and making improvements onto existing systems […] I’m really in engineering because I like design, so I decided to go for mechanical.

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John’s Quotes #1

[194-202; 204; 209-214; 218-222] I’ve had depression for a long time, depression and anxiety. While I don’t want to say ADHD, because I’ve never been officially diagnosed with that, I have a lot of those symptoms as well in my classes, or in life. Right now, getting motivation at all is a struggle, it is very difficult for me to start something and finish something. But, I’ve been going to therapy since the semester began, and I skipped over this summer, but yeah. I think as of now it’s been a year since I’ve been in therapy. What else? Soon I want to go see a psychiatrist and get prescribed some medicine, because with this lack of motivation I don’t think I can pass any class, or pass any difficult class. Even starting a homework assignment is like really difficult. But, in college I don’t give myself that time to do homework like I did in high school. The reason for that is a lot more than I’m lazy, and I don’t want to do it right now. It’s a lot more than that, and I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was as easy as I just need somebody to tell me to get off my butt and do it, I don’t have the energy to do that. I’ve had this feeling for … I’d say about six or seventh grade, probably seventh or eighth. And, because my parents don’t really understand it’s hard for me to get that support. Now that I’m in college it’s a little bit easier to deal with it, because I don’t have to get my parents approval to go to therapy.

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John’s Quotes #2

[260-270] We had to make ten designs that could work for a group project, and I worked on the wheels. I think me and two of the group members worked on the programming, because I think he had prior experience before. And, in the end, when our design wasn’t up to par from what we thought we would get, or what we would need, like we couldn’t even get the robot to turn when that was one of our main commands. We learned that the TA really liked Christmas, so we put a Christmas hat on it, and Christmas designs, and we ended up getting extra credit. Yeah. It was a fun, silly project where we learned rudimentary designs, and rudimentary programing, but I still think it was worth it for my group.

[274-280] We were all willing to work on the group project equally. We didn’t argue about it. We wanted to work as a group, and even though we differed in design ideas, we still came through, and we still talked about it, and we compromised about design. My girlfriend’s group, that one guy did not want to talk about his design, he didn’t want compromise. He was the only person that he let work.

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John’s Quotes #3

[7-54] After Thanksgiving, I realized that I was going to fail a class. I had to choose between engineering and physics. The engineering was just statics, and it was a very first engineering class and the very first one that involved math and physics to a more practical degree. I decided to stop going to that class so I could focus on physics. Physics I realized that I had to pass it. I stopped going to the mechanical class and I’m taking that class now. I’m doing a lot better in that now, so there’s hope. During the last few weeks of the semester I realized that I wasn’t going pass physics either. I ended up going through the class and I got a ton of second chances from my TAs and my professor for pulling my grade up. Because of my depression, I didn’t have enough energy to pull myself through those hoops. My problem was that I thought I knew everything. I ended up skipping the class. I ended up failing. and the depression didn’t help. In the end, I ended up failing both statics and physics. Which is fine. I ended up talking to an electrical engineer who has actually helped through failing classes for the past few years. He’s someone that I look up to highly. Hearing that I was going to be okay, it really helped. I feel less bad about failing classes now.

[33-54] I went back home after finals. On the ride home, I talked to my mom about my mental health and about how I failed the classes because she has access to my grades. I let her know that it was a combination of both the difficulty of the classes and my mental health. And now, over thinking it, I think a lot of it was just the mental health because it was more me trying to get the energy to do work. I do struggle with that still. My mom, she doesn’t quite understand mental illness quite as much as my sisters and I would like. My younger sister is going through mental illness. She is diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. Last week, I was just diagnosed with major depressive disorder. My mom is having a hard time understanding why can’t you get over this and just focus? I went to therapy without telling my mom. I didn’t want to seem weak or low. I relied on a lot of my friends and my therapist. Finally, being able to tell parents about the mental health boosted me.

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John’s Quotes #4

[94-107; 123-135] I’m currently struggling with a lot of feelings I have when I go to class. I don’t usually have productive thoughts. I feel like things are scaring me more than helping me now. Or I’m getting scared more than I’m learning. I hope it’s just the mental health thing. Recently, I’ve been getting better. I’ve been paying more attention, and I’m going to pass. I met with a psychiatrist last week. I just got medication and hope it will lift my spirits. When I go to class, I’m paying attention for the first 10 minutes. But after that, I start to have like breathing problems or my mind is wandering off. It’s like an escape. I’m in the classroom because if I’m in there, I’m more likely to learn something than if I’m not. But at the same time, once I look up at the board and see all the equations, all the steps that I phased out on, that’s the moment that I start getting anxiety and scared. So, I look away and I go back in my head so I’m not as stressed. It’s a cycle. It goes throughout the entire hour until I come back out without anything in my notes.

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John’s Quotes #5

[150-165; 189-194; 187-204] My Physics 2 class was all conceptual and was in a giant lecture hall with an older professor. He was very good and knowledgeable in physics. But he didn’t understand his students. His examples were too smart. His analogies didn’t make anything simpler. He tried to do was have us visualize these in certain ways, and I felt like that just complicated things. However, I appreciated him because he actually had class participation. He gave us a chance to ask our own questions. He gave us opportunities to work in groups. The reason why I failed it was mostly because of me. He gave me multiple second chances to bring my grade up. And it came down to my lack of energy.

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John’s Quotes #6

[169-186; 221-229] My statics teacher was very enthusiastic. His accent was a little hard to discern but other than that he was one of the best teachers I’ve had. If I had the teacher again, then I would gladly take him because he’s good. He asked or he drove class participation with grades. I think that’s what helped a lot. My statistics teacher was the best one. If I don’t become an engineer, then I’ll be a statistician just because of this teacher. She did everything that my Physics 2 professor did, but she had better examples and conveyed her ideas a lot better. She went through the problems concisely, and the steps were all clear. One time, somebody corrected her in class. They followed out the steps that she was doing on the paper and realized there was an error. She checked her work and, indeed, the student was correct. They got rewarded. But weirdly enough, the graphics teacher was my worst teacher that I’ve had. The class was a hot mess. My professor came back with material from 20 years ago. According to other sources, like my friends who took the course before, they didn’t have to hand draft. I was sitting there drafting out a weird-looking screw in isometric 3D by hand. He felt like a little behind the times. I understand why we did the things, but I also feel like we could have used our time better. He seemed like he wasn’t organized at all. I had a lab at a separate time. During that lab we learned AutoCAD, SolidWorks and Creo by our TAs. I felt like I learned a lot more because I learned something relevant. But I still ended up passing the course. I think that course in particular was low level and very forgiving.

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John’s Quotes #7

[272-296] I’m retaking statics right now. I’m also taking chemistry, Calculus 3, and Chem Lab. My statics course has more people but less attention. That professor, compared to the last one, he gives out better homework and tests, but otherwise he’s just lecturing to a brick wall. My chemistry teacher, kind of the same way. Then my calculus teacher, who I think is the best out of my professors this year, he comes in with Wolfram Alpha, all his notes written out on the computer. With plots and 3D shapes that you can move around. The way he teaches he has his notes projected, he’s writing on the board and he has a tablet in his hand that has the notes already on it, so he doesn’t have to go back to the computer. I think he’s the most well prepared. Doing his homework is a nightmare. But I feel like going through it is actually rewarding. I like this professor, but not for the same reasons that I like my other professors. For Chem Lab, TA is good. She doesn’t have to teach as much because we’re just reading off of a manual. So that course is easy.

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