Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband was raised by loving parents after a closed adoption. As older parents, we’ve always tried to be extra careful about planning ahead for our kids because we may not always be there. After a health scare last year, he did some digging and made some requests. Eventually, he was able to get medical information about his bio dad’s family. Bio dad was not interested in any other communication though. His bio dad has schizophrenia, and so did one of his bio uncles and his bio grandfather. There are some other health issues that run in the family, but this is the biggest one.

My husband is in his 40s so he’s apparently dodged that bullet. But we have small kids, and the chances that it could be passed down to our sons or daughter are definitely present. Where can we get more information about how to address this with our kids as they grow? We’re trying not to blow it out of proportion but when I talked about it as a long-term future thing with our kids’ pediatrician he looked at me like I had two heads and told me he “doesn’t deal with that stuff because he works in pediatrics.” How do we get reasonable, science-backed answers so we can understand how to talk to our kids and look for risks? Information online has been messy and catastrophic. Also, I want to find a new pediatrician, but my husband doesn’t think we should switch. Help?

—New Info, New Decisions

Dear New Info,

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First off, serious illnesses with heritability can be really scary; you feel like you are supposed to do something to keep your kids from danger, but you feel powerless to do so. Your pediatrician is probably right that this is far outside his area of expertise, but it sounds like you were looking for validation and help identifying someone who would have the expertise to guide you. I’m sorry you didn’t get that support from him If that incident has made you doubt that your concerns will be heard in the future, that is a valid reason to change doctors. But if this was an aberration, there might be ways to keep the doctor but be clearer with what you need from him in the future.

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Since you didn’t get any direction from your pediatrician, I’ll take a stab at it. The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) has a HelpLine, as well as resource directories and state and local affiliates that can help you get oriented. You can also reach out to a local psychiatrist—the type of doctor who would treat someone with schizophrenia—to see if they would take an informational meeting with you. (If you can’t find one, you can try aggregate services like Talkiatry.) That doctor could give you an idea of symptoms to watch for and ages when the condition is likely to emerge, which may help you and your husband determine the strategy and timing for talking to your kids. I hope all of this preparation you are doing ultimately goes unapplied.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am mum to two lovely girls, 4-and-a-half and 2 years old. Though still very young, their personalities seem quite distinct. I am anxious about some aspects of my older daughter’s nature and need help with what I should be doing to help her.

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My older daughter is a very sensitive child. It feels like she is in constant need of external validation or attention. To give a few examples, she can cry for hours at the slightest scratch that my 2-year-old or another 4-year-old wouldn’t even care about; she can feel bad because someone she said hello to on the road did not respond to her or because a friend did not come for a play date (and thus no longer likes her); she will cry for several long minutes after her younger sister hits her instead of pushing back. She also generally seeks a lot of attention from me and her father.

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Additionally, in general, she is unhappy about the state of affairs around her. She finds little reasons to be unhappy and is constantly grumpy or whining about things. After a perfectly nice day, for example, she could decide to be unhappy because of the dress she is wearing. And then an incident from several days ago. And then the food on the table. And so on. It’s like you solve an issue and she finds another to sulk about. Even as a mother I find it difficult to handle her “high maintenance,” unhappy demeanor. I would love for her to be a happy positive child with a strong sense of self-confidence. How do I encourage her to stop finding faults with everything, and just be grateful and happy about all that she has?

—An Exhausted and Confused Mother

Dear E&C,

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There are a few interventions you could try. The first is to simply acknowledge the feeling, describing it back to her. (“I know you feel upset and ouchie that little sister scratched you. That’s too bad.”) You can then walk away and not indulge or acknowledge the behavior anymore. After doing this for a few weeks, see if it changes anything. She might still get upset, but she might not go as long or loud.

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At certain times, you can add a positive rejoinder. (“I know you feel upset and ouchie that little sister scratched you. That’s too bad. But I’m so proud of how well you both are sharing!”) While you don’t want to do this all the time, lest if start to feel like you’re blowing her off, it’s sometimes helpful for kids to realize good and bad stuff are not mutually exclusive. Asking her how she wants to solve the issue at hand is also a useful tactic; it teaches reframing skills, and reminds kids that they have agency and are not just at the mercy of fate.

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If none of these tactics help, consider a conversation with your pediatrician. They may have other suggestions or could refer you to a specialist who could screen for anxiety or other underlying conditions. Good luck!

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I (38 F) am married with a mixed family; my husband and I both have 6-year-old daughters from our first marriage and no children from this marriage, and we have been together since our daughters were a little over a year old. My daughter’s biological dad does not live locally and visits infrequently. My stepdaughters’ mother and her husband live locally, and we split custody 50/50.

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Here’s where I need help: My stepdaughter’s mother and husband are very religious. While my husband and I are also Christian, her other set of parents are extremely fundamental and not in line with what we believe, to the point where we are having a hard time not calling their sect of beliefs a “cult.” I need advice because their teachings are beginning to affect our family. Here are some examples:

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We had to tell my daughter Santa doesn’t exist before we had planned to because my stepdaughter said only bad parents lie to their children that Santa exists, and she felt sorry for anyone who believes it. She’s also said the Bible only allows divorce for two reasons and that my husband needed to tell her why he divorced her mother and that he was going to hell if it wasn’t in line with the Bible;a woman’s place is to make a home for her husband and children, and she only wants to grow up so she can find a husband/she won’t need a job as a woman; andthe rapture is coming, so we need to make sure we are doing everything the Bible says, which results in constant criticisms of our lives. There are other instances where antiquated/misogynistic/fundamental beliefs come into direct conflict with how we run our house and cause confusion for both my daughter and stepdaughter.

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It’s difficult to handle these situations for multiple reasons. The first is that I don’t feel it’s my place to negate or change what her mother and stepfather are teaching her, even if I don’t agree with it. Secondly, her mother has taken her out of public school and is homeschooling her so that she is not exposed to any other “influences or authorities except for Gods’,” which leaves my husband and me as the only voices who negate what her other set of parents are saying about the world. Lastly, my stepdaughter speaks to my husband and me as if she is the authority—she fully believes that what she is saying is backed by the Bible, so my husband and I must obey the Bible and therefore, her.

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For the record, I have a very successful career and am the primary financial support of our family. I absolutely think women have a right to choose for themselves in every aspect of life. While I can’t affect what happens in the other house, when my stepdaughter brings those ideologies here, my daughter hears them and gets anxiety (about the rapture) or confused (as to a woman’s role/rights).

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When we have said that we believe differently than they do at her mother’s house, my stepdaughter will not hear of it and says we are not living right and not interpreting God’s will correctly. My husband has tried to talk to her mother but that has gotten us nowhere. I have compassion that my stepdaughter’s controlling behaviors could really just be anxiety, but it honestly comes across as a smug attitude that is very reminiscent of her mother. The constant hypercritical comments drive us up the wall and it feels like we are losing the sweet girl we know and raised. How do I protect my daughter from these ideas and hopefully provide a place for my stepdaughter to turn to (if she ever moves away from her fundamental raising)?

—Not Bible Approved

Dear Bible,

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It seems you have two options. The first is legal; if you really feel you are “losing” your kid to extremist viewpoints, your husband can talk to a lawyer and see if he has a shot at winning a case against his ex-wife regarding how their daughter is being raised. I am not a lawyer, and I’m sure the laws and precedents vary widely by state (and nation, if you’re not in the U.S.), but it’s worked in extreme cases before.

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Assuming you don’t want to go that route, you may just have to resign yourselves to a long cold war-esque fight to protect your own daughter and give your stepdaughter the skills, perspectives, and empathy to chart her own course as she grows. I don’t think it will be easy, but focusing on the long game might help you survive these really antagonistic moments you’re in the midst of. I liked the tips offered in this Medium essay, especially the tip to ask the child what they think. If you want your stepdaughter to be able to think for herself and have a flexible, humble and empathetic approach to life and faith, asking her what she thinks (not just what the Bible says) could be a really interesting way to meet her where she is but still be a bit subversive. It’s also a way to model curiosity, forbearance, and polite debate for your own daughter.

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I’m also moved by that essay’s advice to remind the child that they are enough, just as they are. While many people of all ages find comfort in service to Jesus/Allah/God/etc., I would imagine that, for some, hearing that they are loved as-is could be equally poignant. This is important because if your stepdaughter ever has a break from her church or her mom, or if this fundamentalist upbringing causes your stepdaughter trauma into the future, you will want her to feel safe coming to you and your husband.

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Are you members of a church yourselves? You might chat with the pastor to see if he or she has ideas for how to content with your daughter’s upbringing (and resulting self-righteousness). Would speaking to clergy or attending mass at several Christian churches across the area help her see the variety of ways people interpret the Bible?

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All in all, keep the dialogue open with your stepdaughter—but don’t be hesitant to “ban” some of the words or sentiments that are causing you the most grief. Maybe you don’t want to hear the phrase, “You’re going to hell” in your home; that’s an acceptable limit to set under your roof. Meanwhile, keep an open dialogue with your daughter, too. Have a debrief each time the stepsister heads back to mom’s house. Demonstrate respect for your stepdaughter, but clear refutation of the sentiments she espoused. Ultimately, if the situation worsens and begins to have a significant adverse effect on your home or daughter, you and your husband might need to explore more serious options like mediation or counseling with the co-parents. Good luck.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 10-year-old has been a wheelchair user her whole life. She has other mobility aids that she sometimes uses at home but not elsewhere. My husband and I try to let her be as independent as possible, within reason given her age and condition. But because of her disability there are many things she needs help with that her peers or siblings don’t require.

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She’s recently started to talk to us about how she feels ashamed of needing so much more help than others. She’s been bringing up a lot of points—part of it is because of recent incidents which have been really upsetting (like at a friend’s birthday party, the friend’s cousin complained about how many things had to be modified to accommodate our daughter; we had a conversation about it at the time and I thought she was feeling better about that incident but apparently not), part of it is that she’s starting to notice just how much we do for her (like researching locations ahead of time to make sure they’re wheelchair accessible if we’re going out as a family), and a part of it is just an innate sense of indignancy (she has good days and bad days, there are times she needs help with what she sees as basic tasks). She was near tears yesterday because of something kids her age should be able to do that she isn’t. We keep telling her that 1) everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, 2) it’s OK to need help, and 3) it is frustrating that she can’t do what her peers can do, but she’s moving on her own time and that’s OK. I think those things may have worked when she was younger, but not anymore. And I’m struggling to help her now.

—Mobility Blues

Dear Blues,

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I’d say you’ve been doing everything right, up to this point. Now, you have to shift away from the theme of “being different is OK” and into something more like proactive confrontation. The fact is, this world is not built for people with disabilities, and your daughter has reached the age where she’s beginning to see that, and it’s causing a cognitive dissonance with the sentiments she’s heard up until now. You’ve taught your daughter that she has value and worth; now you’re going to help her channel that self-love in ways that are meaningful to her.

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I suggest your first step is to find opportunities for her to start living more independently. What are you doing for her that she can start to take over for herself, even if it takes longer to do or is done more imperfectly? Work with your daughter to brainstorm these tasks and find ways to foster that independence.

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Secondly, acknowledge the fact that it’s hard to be a person in America with a disability, and that some of the reasons it’s hard are infuriating and unjust. You mention a pervasive sense of indignance—good, she SHOULD be indignant. How does she want to channel that? Are there any systems or structures that she wants to try to push against? Does she want to educate her fellow community members? Or does she just need some quips for when someone says some ableist nonsense to her? Any of those are valid vehicles of resistance and dignity. For inspiration, check out the film Crip Camp on Netflix or books written by disability self-advocates; one I particularly like is Disability Visibility, edited by Alice Wong.

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The final thing that is going to be critically important as your daughter grows up is to connect to other kids who have disabilities, particularly physiological ones like hers. It can be really isolating to feel like you are “the one” people always have to make accommodations and exceptions for. You feel at once an outsider and like you have a responsibility to stand up for change all the time, which is exhausting and burdensome. Find local or virtual convenings that your daughter can explore. In Chicago, as an example, Access Living provides resources for people with disabilities (by people with disabilities), including youth workshops and other programs. Or consider a summer camp like Camp High Hopes, which is specifically designed for kids with disabilities. While I think we all want kids with disabilities to be fully integrated into the broader community, sometimes it’s nice to be in a place where you aren’t the different one.

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I tip my hat to your daughter. It isn’t always easy telling your parents when you feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. She, and you, should be proud for building a relationship with this kind of openness.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

Our kids (4 and 6) each have iPads that they are allowed to use infrequently. Yes, the tablets are absolutely serving as electronic babysitters, but since it’s very rare—say about once a month—and are major sanity-savers in those instances, we really don’t feel there is any problem with it. The situations in which we use them are generally when we are out in public, like when we’re on an airplane or at a car dealership trying to navigate mounds of paperwork. We always have the little ones use headphones, so the result is two very quiet and entertained kids who aren’t interrupting anyone. They get very limited screen time otherwise. However, there is something about kids with tablets that really strikes a chord with people, and we often get snide remarks when they use them.