Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for five years. Without fail on any major event (my birthday, his birthday, Valentine’s, planned couples trip etc.), his 17-year-old daughter gets “sick” and needs daddy to wait on her every whim. Miraculously, she gets better the next day when she wants to go out with friends. We have gotten around this by celebrating on other days and when she is with her mother (which isn’t often). I was tolerant when she was a child, but it has gotten ridiculous. We had concert tickets for his birthday and right on cue, she started to have a headache. Rather than stay in a dark room with some aspirin, she wanted her dad to stay home so he could rub her head and read to her. My partner went along with it! I ended up going to the concert alone and wasting the other ticket.

I have a milestone birthday coming up, and frankly I don’t trust my partner when he says that he will commit to our plans fully. I usually live and let live when it comes to how he deals with his daughter, but I don’t want to waste the time, energy, or money here. We don’t live together and I respect that his daughter’s needs come first, but this is ridiculous. My partner even admits that his daughter is doing this, but he still goes along with it. Should I even bother to try?

—Milestone

Dear Milestone,

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Hopefully she’ll be out of the house in a year. Until then, I think your best bet is to encourage your partner to give his daughter the attention she’s craving on a regular basis, so she feels less territorial and desperate when he plans an evening with you. Maybe there’s a new tradition they could create together. Maybe he could make an effort to attend more of her sports games, or read the same book she’s reading and discuss it, or train for a half marathon together. Just something to let her know she’ll have access to him on a regular basis. And if your partner agrees, perhaps you could try to get a bit closer to her too, so you don’t seem like as much of a threat. But until you see a change in behavior, no more dates that require tickets bought in advance. You can’t risk it!

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How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I live in California, although I travel outside the state from time to time and most of my co-workers reside outside the state. Can you give me a good response in these situations that keep coming up? Once someone finds out I’m from CA, I get “don’t be bringing your woke nonsense around here” or “all the people from CA are moving here and driving up the house prices so we locals can’t afford them.” Or my red and purple state co-workers love to complain about the CA political issues. Prudie, I am not personally responsible for the state that CA is in, nor do I want to hear anybody else’s opinions about it. On travel, I just want to buy a restaurant meal in peace, stay at a hotel, and go home. I’m not buying anybody’s house from under them. I promise I will not open with “I’m from CA, table for 4, with a side of politics please.” I need a script that is both polite and shuts people down.

—Tired of All the Stereotypes

Dear Tired,

You: “Wow, you know a lot about Californians, don’t you?”

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Annoying person: “Yeah I listen to this podcast where they talk all about you people …”

You: “Can I tell you something you might not know yet?”

Annoying person “Okay …”

You: “There’s nothing we hate more than talking about our home state while we’re trying to work/eat/check into a hotel. So anyway, how about those [local sports team].”

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“Every place in the world has something that makes it potentially untenable as a place to live. Perhaps the harder, possibly more satisfying thing is to get people to be specific about their criticism to watch their argument fall apart.”

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Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

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Dear Prudence,

My cousin and I used to be close as sisters until she started dating “Dan.” Dan was 12 years older than us, barely employed, and already had two kids with two different women. My cousin had a full ride to college. She gave it all up when Dan got her pregnant. I told her bluntly that going through with the pregnancy was a bad idea. She was 20 with her future in front of her, and Dan was a loser who already proved to be a bad dad. My cousin cut me out of her life—I just didn’t understand their love. Now, I understand that my cousin is miserable. She is 24 with two babies and still is the primary breadwinner. She hates leaving the kids with her mother (my aunt is a difficult woman). She hates Dan’s exes and his kids. She still refuses to leave Dan. I hear all this through the family grapevine. The few times I have reached out to my cousin personally, she has slapped my hand away. I love her and miss her. I want to help but it feels pointless for me to even try now. Is there anything I can do, or do I just mourn our relationship and move on?

—Missing Her

Dear Missing Her,

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Serious question: Can you be close to someone who you believe makes terrible choices, without lecturing or shaming her about them? Really give it some thought. Keeping your opinion to yourself is tough to do, but that’s what it will take for you to reestablish a relationship with your cousin. If you can’t—if you are still the same person who thinks telling someone to end their pregnancy is a reasonable thing to do—then yes, go ahead and mourn the relationship.

However, if being cut out of her life has taught you that it’s better to let people make their own mistakes and wait to give advice until you’re asked—if you think you can be a person who makes her feel better, not worse, about her life—then reach out. Send a text apologizing for how you spoke to her, saying you love and miss her, and asking if you can try to be close again. At this point, you shouldn’t even focus on wanting to “help” unless you’ve heard directly from her (not from your relatives) about what she needs from you. That might include some babysitting, but it’s very likely just friendship and acceptance.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m a 15-year-old male living with my soon-to-be 17 big brother and my mom and dad. Ever since I turned 13, my father has had a sudden interest in politics and other things like that, but he also has become racist to people of color and is also anti-Semitic. He has never acted out in public, but he has left the impression that those people are bad to my brother and mother. I know that this is wrong but I don’t know what to do about it. He is a good dad but I just want him to be more friendly and caring because I love him.

—Need Some Support

Dear Some Support,

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As much as I wish you could, I don’t think you’re going to be able to do much to change a grown man’s worldview. And I worry about you angering or alienating someone you depend on for food and shelter, at least for the next few years. Start making a plan (in your journal, or the notes app on your phone, or whatever) for what you might say to him when you’re an adult who lives on your own and there’s nothing he can do to harm you. Until then, change your focus. Instead of “I want my dad to be more friendly and caring,” your new mantra should be “I want to make sure I don’t become like my dad,” or even “I want to make sure marginalized people aren’t harmed by the views of people like my dad.” The fact that his views haven’t shaped yours says a lot about your values and how strong you are. Congratulate yourself for that and commit to being as caring and friendly and decent as you wish he would be.

Classic Prudie

My wife grew up eating far healthier than I did—vegetarian, no sweets, the whole nine yards. All the food she cooks is basically just stews of mushy vegetables with some sort of liquid. I hate it. I feel like a 4-year-old in my petulance, but I wind up just kind of picking at her food listlessly. She notices. We’ve divided up the cooking responsibilities and she really enjoys the food I make, but I still hate the food she makes!