Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Same Song, Different Title; Lee B.; KBDenver; B; Craig D.; HazelEyes49; Lynne; ChemGal for their ideas!

Dear Prudence,

How many times do you need to ask a partner to do something? My husband and I eat avocados almost daily. When he finishes an avocado, he leaves it (and the spoon) on our very small kitchen counter. I think that this is gross, messy, and unsanitary. The compost bin is on the same counter. He is self-diagnosed with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, so I give him many allowances in the kitchen (he does the majority of the cooking, I exclusively do other tasks, and I work with a therapist on being accepting of his neurodivergence). However, I have asked for five years for the avocado and his peanut butter spoon to be put away. He doesn’t understand why it bugs me. I have explained that I also have things that are important to me that might be hard for him to understand. It seems like that I will only get consideration if I am neurodivergent. His daughter also has autism and ADHD (diagnosed), so I often feel like an outsider.

—How Many Times?

Dear How Many Times,

A solid handful of readers took a tough love approach to your husband’s behavior, arguing that he’s using his (self) diagnosis as an excuse, and simply not making an effort to do something that matters to you:

Same Song, Different Title: I just hate it when diagnoses like ADHD and neurodivergence are used as carte blanche excuses for any behavior. Unless he leaves dirty utensils and food waste on counters across the board in all sorts of locations, like the office kitchen and friend’s houses, suggesting that he genuinely cannot process this concept, I don’t buy this as anything other than refusal to recognize this as a problem and change his behavior. If he is not actively working on strategies to fix this with his therapist, he just doesn’t care. Sticky notes on all the avocados as reminders? Notes on the counter? A watch alarm that says “clean up avocado mess”? Unless I miss my guess, he has tried nothing other than “oh well, I’m neurodivergent. You have to clean up.”

Lee B.: Neurodivergence is a non-issue here. At stake is consideration for your partner. Successful relationships consist of small, loving gestures of care that connect you both. A partner who avoids a simple task with, “What’s the big deal?” is not making a bid for connection, but antagonism, and even neurodivergent people can grasp this concept. My husband kept messing up the kitchen until I dumped papers all over his work desk. As he was grumbling about moving them all before he could work, I said, “Isn’t it a pain when you have to clean up someone else’s mess before you can get a task done?” That finally took.

KBDenver: It’s not the avocado, it’s your relationship. I don’t think it has anything to do with him being diagnosed or not with ADHD. It actually doesn’t have anything to do with the avocado. If he has known for 5 years that it bothers her and has not changed his behavior, he just isn’t going to do it. Happily married people have all kind of pet peeves about each other that they mostly let go. I get the vibe that the poster is overall unhappy in her relationship and feels undervalued and unappreciated, which is why the avocado mess is getting to her so badly. Needing to see a therapist to “accept his self-diagnosed neurodivergence” leads me to believe more is at play here. She needs to be honest with her husband about how unhappy she is overall, and they should work together to fix that.

I think it’s a bit harsh to dismiss your husband’s neurodivergence out of hand, but I will agree that his attitude—separate from his inability to clean up the avocado—bothers me. It’s one thing to say “I’m so sorry, I know this really upsets you but I just can’t seem to make it happen” and another thing to say “What’s the big deal? Get over it.”

That’s why I thought this next comment raised some good questions. Is the dismissiveness a larger theme? How are the non-avocado parts of your relationship? Does he seem to take your feelings seriously? Has he ever tried to do anything differently at your request?

B: I too find it maddening when things like this are left for me to pick up, because it feels like a complete lack of respect and consideration for me as a person—that my loved ones’ time and attention are too valuable to devote to a task, and in contrast my time and attention are not valued at all. Outside of this habit, does your partner show you respect? Do they ever go out of their way to ensure your needs are met, or make any adjustments or allowances for any of your personal quirks? (Being neurotypical doesn’t mean you don’t get to be weird and annoying sometimes! Humans: we are weird and annoying!) If they do, see if they have any suggestions for a new/improved composting system and dirty-spoon receptacle. It may be that there’s some sort of incomprehensible-to-you-or-me barrier to getting these into the current right places. If there’s a new right place without that barrier, problem managed. But! If your partner isn’t showing you any respect or consideration: ADHD and neurodivergence certainly need accommodation, but they aren’t a get-out-of-respecting-my-partner card. An avocado skin and a peanut butter spoon on the counter may not seem like grounds for a divorce, but a lack of basic respect and acknowledgement that you are a whole, real person with wants and needs outside of constantly accommodating a partner who doesn’t reciprocate sure is.

If there aren’t larger issues, and this really is just about one piece of produce on the counter, I think these responses—which basically just said “Let it go”—are appropriate:

Craig D.: He’s not going to change. You can live separately, be frustrated everyday, or clean up the avocado. There are little compromises and costs in every relationship. If the rest of it is worth this for you, then you should consider it on the scale of everything and clean up the mess (even though it is truly and fully not your responsibility.) If, however, you know you will be bothered by him not being able to take care of himself in this simple way and it will eat at you Every Time you pick up that pit and shell, then you need to consider that. (Especially if this is just the tip of the him-not-taking-care-of-himself iceberg that the Titanic is aiming at today.) We can’t control our feelings and we can’t control other people. We can only control our actions and the choices we make with them. It’s been five years. Stop looking to him and decide what choices will make you most happy.

HazelEyes49: OMG, LW, drop the rope. As you said, the compost bin is right there, and the sink/dishwasher are probably nearby. Unless you clean up every crumb you drop, just take care of it yourself. If he’s cooking four course meals and leaving the kitchen a mess every night, you have grounds to complain, but the avocado/spoon issue is beyond petty. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s all small stuff, mostly.

Lynne: The end of this letter makes me wonder if it is less about dirty spoons and more about feeling like an outsider. That said, how does he respond when the letter writer tells him that they have important things that might be hard for him to understand? Does he respond with understanding, or does he keep asking them to do things that make them uncomfortable? Why does the letter writer struggle with his neurodivergence? Do they not believe it’s real because it is self-diagnosed? Do they think their husband should “just” do XYZ, regardless of how difficult it might be? Going strictly off the “how many times do you need to ask a partner to do something,” it sounds like the letter writer is stuck on that question (and the need to be right/be told that you should only have to ask once) when maybe they need to let it go. Five years is a long time to be bitter about dirty spoons. Dan Savage talks about “the price of admission” in relationships—the annoying things we settle for to be with that person. Can the letter writer accept the spoons as the price of admission? Are there things the husband accepts as the price of admission to be with the letter writer? Frankly, if they want to remain married for another five years, they should probably just deal with the spoons themselves.

If you are able to get over this one issue, that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.

You’ll still be left with what a few readers pointed out, is the bigger issue in your letter: You feel like an outsider in your own home:

ChemGal: The last couple of lines of the letter say it all, I think, and tell me that this isn’t really about the avocado debris. It’s about feeling like an outsider in LW’s own home and family. That’s the place to explore and dive in. LW, are you hearing “you don’t get it because you’re not neurodivergent like me and [daughter]”? or similar. What actions/comments/attitudes are at the root of your outsider status, and can a discussion and/or action plan be made to address those things? As far as the avocado shell and peanut butter spoon are concerned … you might just have to let those go. I’ve got a spouse that leaves the peanut butter knife balanced on the precipice of the sink edge because they “might want a 2nd sandwich” … which we both know doesn’t happen and dirtying a 2nd knife would always be OK. I understand the outsized feelings of gross out from what the other views as normal and not a problem. Put the avocado in the compost, wipe underneath it to clean the counter, and laugh to yourself about the weird quirks of being married. But don’t ignore feeling like an outsider. There’s something more to explore beyond the avocado.

Are you getting enough time with your partner? Does he open up to you? Do you feel close to his daughter? Do the two of you have things in common? Does he understand your quirks and care about your interests? After the counters are cleaned, you might find you have questions much bigger than “How many time do you ask someone to do something?” to think about.