I wandered up to a literal, floor-to-ceiling wall of pants. I know a little bit about clothes and of course, I know there are a several historical styles of pants, most of which are ridiculous and unwearable, but nevertheless exist.
Take "painter pants" for example. Except for 17 minutes in the 80s, no sane person who is not holding a brush would wear painter pants. Ditto "Capri pants" which are tight-fitting trousers that end abruptly and without explanation halfway down your calf, They were invented by an Italian designer who it seems was interested in naked calves and worn by Mary Tyler Moore, bull fighters and occasionally by tennis star Rafael Nadal, but God knows why. These are also called pedal pushers (if you ride a bike) and clam diggers (if you dig clams while riding a bike) and just generally for people who insist on ridiculous names for their clothes.
The pants on the shelves were technically all long pants, but when I started looking for my size I realized that at some point someone had decided that there was no such thing as just "pants."
Now — and I am not making this up — there were "Classic Fit," Regular Fit," "Straight Fit," Relaxed," "Tapered," "Flex Tapered," "Slim Tapered," "Skinny Tapered," "Slouch Tapered" and "Athletic." There may have been a few more, but I got dizzy and had to sit down.
Foolishly, I tried Athletic. I found them, to my chagrin, baggy in the thighs and butt.
I told the salesperson this.
"Yes, they're made for people with muscular legs. That's why they're called Athletic," he said. "How would you describe your legs? That might help."
"Chickenlike," I said.
"Try Skinny Tapered," he said.
I did and they seemed to fit, I thought.
At home, I tried them on and then asked my wife the question usually directed AT men, not posed BY men.
"How do these pants look?" I said.
Sensing a once-in-a-lifetime moment, she said, "Like you've got really skinny pants on chicken legs."
I might try Capris after all.
Paul Benedetti is the author of “You Can Have A Dog When I’m Dead.”